meltdown at work..

some 3 weeks back, i had a meltdown at work.. it was so embarassing.. i was called to have a "talk" with my PM's (PM=prj manager or my direct supervisor) manager's manager!.. heck all those organisation chart.. but to be summoned forth was akin to being asked to see the headmistress, get what i mean?? i went all jelly-legs.. me the hopeless tigress.. where was my roar ah?? anyway, i kinda foresee it coming then.. cos EVERY day then, my PM was telling me, "why are u so slow? why u need 3 days? it is such a simple module!!".. i tell you, it was hell!! a nightmare to me..

every morning i went to work feeling scared.. my heart beat so fast from fear.. i dunno fear of what.. perhaps, fear of them asking me to leave.. it will be such an embarassment.. so, when i was summoned, i at first felt brave and you know will show them attitude.. am prepared to throw my non-existing resignation letter.. but, as we talked, aiyo, i just can't take it.. what did i do? i cried AND cried.. aiyo.. think back also feel so embarass.. but then again, i'm always one who can cry easily.. he was asking me, what's my problem.. and showing concern abt me.. (or perhaps more abt the prj?).. and i really cannot take it anymore.. i feel that the whole prj if failed will be because of ME.. because I am incompetent.. because I am slow.. because I am not skillful enough.. etc.. i think i take too much responsibilities.. i mean, it's not *my* fault if the management did not take into account the time i need to take to learn the framework/architecture in which the project is going to built on.. if they do not take that into account, they shd hv resources that are familiar with the architecture.. since they do not, they have to make do with me by giving me more TIME to learn and to deliver, no?

anyway, in between feeling guilty, and sobbing for my dear life.. (he actually went to someone's cubicle to get some tissue paper for me.. some 6-7 pieces and i wet them all!!).. i told him, "i am doing my best.. i alreadie gave my all-out.. and no, i will NOT work after 8pm and no, i will NOT come back on weekends to work.. and it's either u agree with my working terms or i will cry more".. heh.. anyway, not much conclusions.. i think he was shocked to see his subordinate crying so hard.. so, there were no conclusions.. and he merely told me, "you need to be brave".. i was thinking, "brave? what brave?? u want to sack me issit?.. be brave to accept some shocking news, issit?"..

anyway, after the talk.. i felt at peace.. cos, somehow, my PM did not breathe down my neck anymore.. she left me alone to do my work.. *phew*.. hate those mornings when she kept asking what's my progress.. grr.. so, i do the work at my pace.. and i continued my pumping.. i think my greatest fear is for the management to penalise me due to my pumping.. but i tried to hv a very quick lunch so that i can hv the time to pump.. it's my right to hv at least 1 hr break for work rite? and, so, it's just work, lunch, run to pump, run back to my cubicle, work, run to pump, run back to my cubicle, work..

and then 2 week later.. (all the while, i was feeling sorrie for myself.. preparing to throw my resignation letter at them).. my teammate's turn to meltdown!! This PM of mine, make her stay to complete her module.. and it was 4am, and she can't complete.. she just told the PM, "i can't think anymore".. so, packed up went home and later refused to come back to work.. she called in to say she wanted out from the project.. she will not do anything anymore.. and none of her module was working then.. i dun blame her.. it's all mis-managed!! And, later, my PM's manager said to me, "the modules u worked on are more robust".. i was like, "huh?".. so, see? you can't pressed people to do things.. by pressing and pushing, u'r making a lose-lose situation.. nobody gain.. give ppl time to develop.. coding is like an art.. it takes time for perfection.. u want it quick, u hv all the bugs and lengthen your testing cycle!.. "code in haste, debug at leisure"..

and, because of my teammate, i think those managers are now more alerted and aware.. and suddenly, they accept the man-days we quote them.. if before, they like want it in 1 day!.. so, work is more bearable.. but i dunno how later.. but, i'm no longer so fearful each morning.. perhaps also, i'm now in the momentum of things.. so, kinda like warm-up!.. but still, i've to work very hard.. and concentrate hard to.. no more surfing or YM-ing or answering personal emails.. heh.. so, now, very kuai.. everyday is work.. and, i kinda enjoy solving the problems now.. so, it's not as dreadful each day.. and of course, i hv very good help when i need them.. EM will help me some coding.. heh.. afterall, i'm the one waking up for all nite feeds.. luckily his work load is not so busy these days.. so, will see how it goes.. let's take a step each day.. so, how are u at work today? If you're stressed out too, remember, we share the same fate.. so you have a sympathetic companion in me..

in life, there are ups and downs.. actually, come to think of it.. my work stress is nothing compared to my dad's.. i wonder now, how he felt then, when he sat and sat in his old shop and not one customer came in to buy anything.. and, my dad never once came home without a smile for us.. he does not bring his worries home.. or rather he did, but he never show out to us.. i always remember a cheerful and patient dad who will not lose his temper on us (his children) despite how bad his business or how bad his days were.. for that, i always love and respect my dad.. i wish my children will remember me like that too next time.. a cheerful and patient mom who will not anyhow scold them when they misbehave.. but it's a wish lar.. not happening yet.. i must remind myself.