for the first time..

my tomorrow (as long as i hv not sleep, tmr is tmr altho by time, ie past 12mn is considered the next day, but my brain will still think it's tmr, for clarity, the date will be Apr 28th), EM and I won't be working near each other nor in the same bldg.. ever since i started work 6 yrs plus ago, we hv always been near each other.. my first job, EM's office is just opposite my office.. my 2nd job, we are in the same company!.. my 3rd job, which i started abt 3 weeks ago, is the same as EM's.. but he is going to move on to his 4th job some 10+km away from my office.. gee.. now, i'm having the jitters! Jitters from thinking of all the lunch opportunities where i can drive myself to all my fav shopping haunts.. the potential of being able to shop is exhilarating and yet i know there's a price to pay after that!

DO i hv a spending disorder? it's like i do not spend on big items - my hair cut is a miserable $10, i dun go for facial, i dun shop for clothes, i dun really eat a lot, i dun like jap food, we dun go out for restaurants in the longest time.. BUT, i spend on other small small items, giving me the cheap thrills i suppose? Most times I will feel guilty.. my family (EM, mom, sis) will make me feel guilty of spending.. but i feel myself very pitiful.. i mean, i hv no rites to spend my own hard-earned money? why do ppl want to make me feel guilty? or rather why am i allowing others to make me feel guilty?!? E.g., i only use SCS butter to bake.. my mom howls!! she said to use the cheapest brand!.. i'm like, "huh? not that i bake all the time? and it's like mabbe $1 diff?"

But, i must confess.. over time, i'm not so conscious abt money anymore.. it's like i dun question myself, "do i really need this?".. most of the time, i only know "i want this now!" :D.. but i hv come to a conclusion.. Others think what u spent on is a waste.. and I think what other ppl spend on is a waste.. so, it's a matter of perception! what is important to me, what i want may not be what other wants.. so let's get on living.. u go ur way, i go mine.. ;).. but easier said than done.. we always want approval from others.. or issit only me?? i wish and wish i hv some gen-Y blood in me.. the gen-Y'ers i see are so full of themselves.. they are not affected by what others say.. ahhh.. i wish i hv some of that.. altho i always say, "heck cares".. but deep down i always care what others think of me.. what others perceive of me.. i think i din't grow up with confidence of myself.. despite like very courageous and brave outwardly, i'm a real timid inwardly.. nvm, i will work hard on that.. it's good to know/acknowledge one's weakness, rather than living in a delusion..

So, tomorrow, is a new journey.. i'm coming to a bend on a long long road.. like good Anne Shirley said, "my future seemed to stretch out before me like a straight road. I thought I could see along it for many a milestone. Now there is a bend in it. I don't know what lies around the bend, but I'm going to believe that the best does.".. this quote is one i always read to myself in times of changes, in times of anxiety, in times of despair!.. it's such an optimistic quote rite? almost perk u up.. and u feel like, taking a deep breath, holding ur head high and march along!

So, that's what i'm going to do.. head held high and march along..