pumping/bfg anxiety..

hmm.. having had 1 experience with ken, ppl wd think i'm "pro" in pumping breastmilk, rite? wrong!.. i'm feeling i will fail big time this time round for my #2.. even if not fail big time, it will be not as "good" as what i did for ken.. i can think of various reasons for these anxieties:

• i did too "well" for ken, and am so afraid i can't at least keep up with my "record" for #2
• my work is not stable at all.. i just learned on last Fri, my coy is acquired by another India-based coy.. the fear of losing my job *again* is here.. and i hv not even seen the new "employment contract" and may not "enjoy" maternity benefits.. but, at least, it may be 8 weeks unpaid rather than 4-5mths unemployed.. but again, it may be that tmr, my coy ask me to leave.. :(
• ok, assume, all is well until i come back from confinement, what if my frequent pumping cost me my job? or if i get a new job, will my pumping cost me my new job?
• will sleep deprivation cost me my job?
• and, when i think of the pumping, washing, sterilising, the labellings, the storing, the calculation of how much milk i need to make e'day to "fulfil" tmr's demand.. *SHUDDER*.. but looking back for what i did for ken, i know, it's worth it.. i'm just glad i did what i did cause i know this is how much i can do for him.. and i may not hv the chance of doing again.. and, i wd not hv regrets on this aspect.. i guess this is what all mommies will do "instinctly".. they just want to provide the best for their child.
• the GSS (Great Sg Sales) is here.. i've purchased bottles (6 Nuk 125ml, yes SIX!!) to store EBM (expressed breastmilk).. heck, i've even purchased spare parts for Ameda breastpump which the pump itself i have NOT even purchase.. cos, i hv a fren's bro who was coming back from USA.. so, i went ahead to purchased the parts in preparation for this pumping "career".. and also, due to my panick upon hearing that Avent will discontinue its milkbag, i went ahead to purchase 15 packs of Avent milk bag (1 pack has 40 bags).. so, i hv all these things ready EXCEPT the actual breastpump.. this time round, i plan to use Ameda electric pump.. no way will i use Avent manual pump again cos with my frequent pumping, i actually hurt my wrists last time.. but Avent was good while it last.. and, at that time, e'day i do not think i will last.. hence i din't go ahead to purchase an electric pump.. but this time, i decided investing in an electrical pump will be worth it.. and, my anxiety is b'cos of 2nd point above, i'm afraid i'll be out of job for good.. and then, i wun need ANY pump.. and all the mentioned items will be a waste!!
• i am so tempted to get the pump from USA.. the set that comes with a backpack and all will cost the same (after conversion and shipping) with the basic set (just the pump) i get here.. but if i get from USA, there will be no servicing/warantee if spoil..
• my mom will be helping me out with my confinement.. i'm so worried of her nagging.. with ken, there's no one to nag/blame my bfg.. ken cries a lot! but there's no one to tell me, "feed FM (formula milk), u hv not enuf milk, that's why ur bb is crying"..
• and the greatest fear.. what if my #2 refuse to nurse?
• and a silly one, what if i hv no milk?

see? long list right? i still hv more points/worries i'm sure that has not surface or that i hv not think abt..

and it does not help that i'm manning the BMSG hotline.. a lot of mommies call up and share their worries/problems.. and i try my best to assure them.. but, now that my time is near.. i'm beginning to worry.. what if i can't cope this time round? what if i hv the same problems? will my "textbook" answers be applicable? will i know what to do??

i'm giving myself undue stress.. stress at work, stress with pregnancy, stress with coming #2.. seriously, tell me, anyone really enjoy their pregnancy and maintain their calm and cool? mabbe i think too much.. shd just take one day at a time, rite?.. but how can anyone be so cool?!.. my hormones must be on overdrive now.. :(

mabbe also, today is sunday nite.. i hate sunday nites.. i do not look fw to monday.. always hv the blues.. sigh.. sorrie to bogged e'one down with my life worries.. hope to hv a happier posting the next time u ppl visit my blog.. meantime, go and read happier blogs.. heh.