my back is killing me..

gosh.. i'm like an old lady.. just becos i'm up on my feet since morning, i'm having back ache?!? hmm.. so unfit i am..

anyway, today i applied leave cos my office air-cond broke down.. and we are not to be suffocated by that.. so, we burn our 1 day.. it's no wonder why i can't seem to accumulate my leave.. always running out of AL.. 1 day here, 1 day there.. and they are all gone.. *sad*

since i'm not working, i might as well as put my time to good use eh?.. so, i baked kuih bangkit.. it's the most expensive kuih bangkit anyone ever bake cos, to bake kuih bangkit, i need to fry the flour.. and guess what? i do not own a wok!! yup.. u heard me rite.. i dun hv a wok! so, end up i hv to buy a wok and a wok cover.. so, u say, isn't it the most expensive bangkit ever?.. :P

here, the before bake.. aren't they lovely.. ahh.. i love to kepit-kepit!!

the after bake.. taste wise? not melty in the mouth enuf.. but 1st attempt, i think okie lar.. but my mom sure hv lots to say.. nvm, that's what mothers are for..

note to self.. started at 9:30am.. estimated ending time 2:30pm.. 5hrs for a miserable 120 pcs?!?.. gosh.. not worth it at all.. why i even bother? heh..

final final result.. tak sedap tak apa, gaya mesti ada? betul?.. this is the "style" my mom always do.. now, me following her footstep.. :)

maggi mee cravings..

gosh.. i hv been eating twice this week!! scary.. and i am not the type who like instant noodle!! anyway, i saw this new Maggi Mee, curry flavour, of cos that claims to not contain MSG! wow.. so i thot it will be healthy! mana tahu.. totally tasteless!! end up today i add some salt to my noodle!.. so, how healthy can that be? but this one the mee taste MUCH better.. very kiu (kental).. but the gravy.. no kick at all

by right, i can't celebrate CNY this year..

but by left, i am feeling excited cos it's CNY!

made this avatar

me also plan to bake pineapple tarts! GOSH!! when i "swore" to myself never to bake any CNY type of cookies for CNY cos every hse u go to will serve the same - pineapple tarts, kuih bangkit, more pineapple tarts, love letters, pineapple tarts, kok chai, etc..

but this year, i will try to bake.. it will be my maiden attempt.. hope it will be edible..

why am i baking? cos every cny my mom will sure to bake.. but seems that my mom has no mood for anything of late.. :(..hopefully she will come to terms with my dad's death.. time will heal.. but how long will that take? praying for her happiness.. hopefully my tarts will be a success story! *crossing fingers* (i can't cross my toes! they're too short!!)

sue reminds me..

from her blog, i'm reminded of my own feelings.. me too can feel the CNY wind blowing! i always can feel it.. the story belongs to my childhood..

during my primary and secondary school days, my "bas sekolah" (school bus) will pick me up at 6am every morning! i had to walk out to the road junction to wait for my school bus.. the length was 5 semi-D houses.. when one was so small, it's rather scary to be walking "that" far.. i do not know how my 2nd sis (Leng) did it! she is 3 yrs older than me.. so, before i start Std 1 (Primary 1), i wonder how come she dun feel lonely? my parents aren't the protective type.. they told me just to walk straight and ignore the stray dogs! told me that as long as i dun "provoke" them, they will not chase me!.. it's no wonder i'm so scare of dogs til now.. i tell u, when u are so small size like me, so young some more and have such vivid imaginations, trying to be brave and walk in such an early hour and ignoring 1-3 stray hungry looking dogs is no joke!.. but again, my parents do not believe in pampering.. so, be brave i have to be!.. and mind you, those time, the street lights are so dim! and my neighbours dunno why, all of them have big mango trees in front of their houses, shielding away the street lights!.. so the stretch of 5 houses is really dim and dark and with shadows of leaves rustling.. i always heave a sigh of relief when i reached the junction cos that part will be the brightest spot!

anyway, i am to be blamed! cos, i always refuse to wake up on time! my 2nd sis will go ahead and walk the length of 5 houses and ask the bus driver to wait for her little sis! sometimes, the bus driver refused and i hv to "run" for dear life to a further junction.. actually, the bus will go winding inside the taman (hsing estate) for abt 20minutes.. so in the 20minutes, i hv a few junctions to run to so that i can still catch my bus! if i really miss the bus, no one will send me to school! i will then have to take the public transport! and my pocket money may not be enough to pay for the public transport! so drama, rite?

anyway, i am always good at the beginning of the year! which means i will try to wake up at 5am and have breakfast (prepared by my 2nd sis, my mom will not be bothred to wake up early to prepare b'fast for us.. aren't we the independent lot?).. i'm lucky to have a dependable 2nd sis! she will make my milo and even spread margarine on my bread!.. and, i'm not grateful at all, still like to squabble with her when young!.. she could have just starve me rite?.. heh.. anyway, back to i'm good at the beginning of the year.. cos i love the feeling of the CNY wind on my face and hair!.. it has this wonderful smell.. i can't describe it! it gives me a chill right down my spine and give me the shudder of happiness - "life is a bliss" kind of feeling.. it's cool and refreshing!.. and perhaps it reminds me of the ang pows i will receive!.. the smell of new crisp notes!. heavenly!.. so i look forward to the wind and the "scary" feeling of walking the length of 5 houses!

BUT, there's a downside of this "happiness".. my eczema will flare up like never before! The itch and the peelings will be the worst i experience thruout the year..

still, even today, when i feel the wind blowing on my face, i will reminisce the memories of my childhood.. and innocence.. never once did it occur to me to ask my mom to accompany me.. we just do what we got to do!

this calendar is the date..

my father passed away.. ever since i can remember, we always have this type of calendar at home where my dad will tear 1 page daily without fail! A few days after my dad passed away, the calendar stays on this date cos no one at home hv the habit of tearing the calendar! My dad passed away on his favorite day - SUNDAY! I blogged abt the scare we had.. and after which my dad seems to be better.. he went back to melaka, and went to check up.. the doc said, there was some bleeding in the stomach, gave him some medicine and schedule him for another check-up.. On saturday morning, my dad seems to feel not comfy.. he's out of sort and insist to take his medication at 9am instead of his usual 10:30am.. he was on high blood medication ever since his 30's and diabetic medication since his 50's.. so, my mom got worried.. cos my dad is a man of habit! he hardly behaves out of norm.. so, my mom called my sis Leng over to bring my dad for check up.. i think my mom is very worried cos she said he saw him talking "nonsense" to "spirits" from the other world in the morning.. she said before her mom (my grandma) and her MIL passed away, they too "talked" to "these people".. my mom kept asking my dad is there anything he wish to say or do?..

so, after he insisted on taking his medication, my mom got him to lie down on his bed and proceed to call my aunts (my dad's sisters who live nearby).. then, she heard my dad fell down.. but he din't hurt his head or something.. just fell on the bum cos he miss his footings.. my sis and aunt arrived.. chit chat to my dad.. then, asked my dad to change cos the doc's clinic may be opened now.. my dad went to change on his own and before leaving the hse realised he forgot his belt and went back to take and wear his belt.. my sis tried to hold him, he pushed her away and said, "i can still walk, dun hold me" and he smiled at her! I guess his smile must hv left a big impact on my sis cos she kept crying when she recalled his smiles!.. my mom also commented and wanted to tell my dad, "stop that silly grin" but she din't.. she just thought in her heart (later she told us)..

Now, we live very near the hospital.. it may be at most 10minutes away from door to door.. but upon reaching the hospital (Mahkota Medical Center), my dad had no response.. my BIL had to carry my dad out of the car.. my mom and sis kept calling out for my dad.. doc said his heart went flat, but heart beat came back after a while.. so, my dad immediately was admitted to ICU.. sis Leng called us the outstation sibblings - sis Hong, bro Eng and myself to come home.. initial was, my mom and sis in melaka still think my dad will "recover".. so, told us to decide ourselves to come back or not.. but all the 3 of us decided to go home.. since it's on a saturday, we are all not working, so we just rushed back.. my sis Hong reached first ard 5:30pm.. we arrived at the hospital ard 6+pm.. my bro ard 7+pm.. we cried and cried seeing our dad not conscious.. we wonder he knows we had arrived? but i think he knew.. saw some tears from the corner of his eyes.. he looks so old and fragile! he's just 70+.. still quite "young"

I guess years of medication start to take a toll on his internal organ.. despite him being very aware and conscious before admiting to hospital, upon reaching, doc found out that his heart is failing, his kidney also failing (the kidney part, we knew abt 2 weeks back, but do not hv to be on dialysis yet).. his stomach also not functioning! cos, when he admitted, doctor extract out food from his lungs! so, his food din't get into his stomach!.. and finally doc found out that he had blood poisoning as well.. seems that he can't fight some virus/bacteria in his body and starts to contaminate his blood! The doc told us he had a 10% chance of surviving.. so, he told us to either continue to let him be in ICU or to "pull the plug".. meaning, on the next day (sunday), send my dad with ambulance back to our house, and remove the oxigen tank.. so, we decide on the latter.. BUT, my dad til the end never ever want to burden us, his children.. he passed away on his own at 3:20am.. only my mom saw him breathing the last breath.. in a way, we are glad, we do not have to see for ourselves the tube being removed!

Sunday is my dad's favorite day! Ever since i'm small i can sense the difference in my dad on Sundays and other days.. he will always bring us go beach (Tg Keling Motel) on Sunday.. EVERY sunday.. me being the youngest will always hv to accompany him together with my sis Leng (2nd youngest).. then when we decided not to follow him, he even brought my younger cousins!.. so, in a way, although my father's death is so sudden.. mabbe it was his wish or prayers all along..

my father wake ritual was conducted by SGM.. one of the reasons my parents took faith in Nichiren Daishonin's Buddhism and join SGM was how simple the wake/funeral ritual was held.. they attended someone's wake then and was impressed and felt that it will be very easy for the children.. my dad always choose not to trouble us..

Our Last family photo

All of us chose a piece of my dad's bone to place in the urn

My dad's final resting place

These are the only 2 "assets" my dad left us.. the car and the bike!

loveme.mid

will be back later..

my hard-disk kaput-ed.. so, i hv no PC.. using EM's just not the same.. so, i will be back later.. just a short note to say i'm now back to singapore.. my hse is in a mess.. cos that day i rushed back to melaka, so, my room was upside down.. as i tried to pack, so i just pulled out things and left them here and there.. my luggage is not un-packed.. i'm just simply in a mess.. so, do bear with me.. will be back with stories and pictures..

Thank-you all for ur condolence wishes.. i feel really comforted that i still hv frens who cared.. Thank-you!

love and kisses,

Biow